The biggest obstacle I have had to overcome in my creative activities has been believing in myself. This has been my biggest obstacle in life across the board. Throughout high school, I won the award for outstanding art.  I could draw because nobody had told me I couldn’t. I just picked up a pen and went at it. You can call this confidence, but it was easy.  It was fun. There was nothing at stake. I didn’t think about the process of drawing. I just thought of the story I was trying to tell. I scribbled it down and gave it away. On a good day, that is how I approach art now.  I just grab a paintbrush and a color.  I have nothing to lose. I don’t need to agonize over a composition.  I don’t need to explain, because I am painting for myself and I understand. I can be kind to myself. I can surprise myself with happy little accidents.  They aren’t really accidents at all. The accident I most often make is underestimating any future viewer. It is in assuming they won’t derive the same joy I feel when I see it. If they don’t feel joy, it doesn’t matter. Their response won’t diminish mine. I’m an award winning artist because I just did that thing that I did for fun. 

3-D glasses are such a bizarre concept to me.  The whole world is three dimensional. Everything around us is already 3-D!  Even this little painting. The paper alone has thickness. Depth. It’s made of interconnected fibers. Each pigment I applied also has form. The paint has texture. The pencils leave something behind on the surface. The charcoal stick gets smaller when I use it, because it is leaving visible matter behind.

I didn’t grow up going to movies. They were frowned upon by our church. Once in a while, the family would pile into the station wagon and go to the drive-in theater. I remember one time seeing Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. We left before the second feature, Blackbeard’s Ghost (1968). That was pushing it too far. Later, we were living in Liberia, where we couldn’t really see current movies anyway.

The summer of 1977, we were in the States, and my aunt took us to see the first Star Wars movie with my cousins. Later, I saw it again on laserdisc at my school in Africa.

That’s what this little mixed media abstract reminds me of. When Luke bought R2-D2 and C3PO out of that ship on Tatooine.

Expectations are dangerous for me, whether they are my expectations about a specific piece of art, or what kind of lasting impression I hope my body of work will have on other people.  These are things I have to think about, and it can be difficult to strike a balance between innovation and roadblocks.  I find it is best for my creativity to just do things without too much planning and projection.  You see, there are things that I just do without any effort.  They are simple and natural.  They happen organically.  They just unfold if I let them, and sometimes lead me down a new avenue of artistic expression.

In this hot, dry time of year, I’ve been shooting videos of  moving water.  Smoke from forest fires hangs in the air, but the videos are cool and refreshing.  Waves tumble the rocks along the shoreline, or crash giddily over boulders.  With that image in the back of my mind, I opened my art box to create something on paper.  Images of rocky shoreline tumbled out unintentionally.

Some creative mediums require more preparation and planning, like ceramics, and glass blowing.  I can pick up a pencil or pastel, or slather paint onto a surface with no fuss.  No rules.  No risk.

HOW IT STARTED:

My father is a retired surgeon. He ran a mission hospital in Monrovia, Liberia, which has since become an ebola center. This is where I grew up, on a palm lined west African beach. As a child, I helped out in the pediatric ward, and sometimes watched my dad perform surgery. From this experience, I learned that I am not squeamish, and the seed was planted for my future in nursing, though it would be a long time before it became a reality. After graduating from the American Embassy school in Liberia, I returned to the States and attended Bible School and Art School in Michigan.

BACK TO SCHOOL:

I moved to a remote town on the north shore of Lake Superior, where I discovered my artistic voice. I performed destination weddings, and worked many varied jobs, trying to make ends meet. We had no college in the area, so returning to school never crossed my mind. Remember, I grew up in a world with no cell phones, and no personal computers. Eventually, online learning became a reality, and I went to the Higher Education office in town to inquire. I started Nursing School at age 50. This was a dream I had kept on the back of my mind, having considered becoming a nurse 30 years earlier. I wanted to create a better life for myself and my daughter. Living in a tiny town in northern Minnesota, I had to do much of my schooling online, and also made many trips to the campus, which was a three hour drive each way. I was afraid the whole time that I would not succeed. I was the oldest student in my class, and wondered if I would be able to keep up with the other students. There were certainly challenges, but I was determined. I not only wanted to achieve my personal educational goals, but I wanted to set an example for my daughter, who was struggling in high school. While attending nursing school, I worked as a nursing assistant. I owe a debt of gratitude to the staff at Cook County Higher Education. They held my hand and guided me through the process. They also proctored tests, and even coached me in math. I graduated with honors, and was the commencement speaker for the entire class of 2012.

MY LIFE AS A NURSE:

Following graduation, I worked for 8 years in long term geriatric care. My daughter grew up and moved away, as children do. I did not want to be an empty nester. My heart and my home were open, and I wanted to make a difference in the lives of others. This was true in my professional life as well as in my personal life.

A GROWING FAMILY:

Just as in school, I thought I was too old to adopt. My daughter encouraged me to go for it, and cheered me on. I just kept telling my caseworker to put the next hoop in front of me, and I would jump through it. I adopted a sibling group of special needs teenagers out of foster care. This meant I could no longer work nights, so I became the school nurse for our local Independent School District. This way, I had the same schedule as my kids. My story is unique, as everyone’s is. My hope is that other people will hear my story, and follow their dreams in spite of the obstacles present in every life. I have spoken with students at career fairs on behalf of nursing, and I often tell them this: There has never been anyone just like you in the whole history of the universe. Your strengths and your weaknesses are gifts that no one else possesses. It doesn’t matter how old you are, or how young you are. You are incredibly special whether you realize it or not. If I can do this, you can, too. I discovered nurse.com as a valuable tool for completing my CEUs not only for nursing, but for ongoing foster care.

I had an unexpected, wonderful phone conversation about my book (Rear View Mirror, 2021) today. It was so validating, and just what I needed to hear. It is amazing to think that like my paintings, my books are my ambassadors, out there telling my story without me being there in person. And they will carry on without me, maybe connecting with someone at times and in places I could never have imagined, even after I am gone.

Today marks one year since my mother’s death. I still get the urge to call her almost every day.  I miss talking to her.  There are so many things I still want to share with her. “She can still hear you,” my son says. He suggested I write down everything I want to tell her on a piece of paper, and then put it into the fire. “It will go up to her.”  He is so certain of it. So matter of fact. It reminds me of my parents’ faith. Faith shows the reality of what we hope for; it is the evidence of things we cannot see.  Hebrews 11:1. I don’t have that kind of faith, but maybe I can borrow theirs when I need it. 

Lately, I’ve been making a lot of short, slow motion videos, mostly of moving water. Some are drips at the side of a waterfall, most are of that infinite fractal where water meets the shore. You can see many of these videos on my Instagram account at https://www.instagram.com/timouth/

I paint small mixed media abstracts on paper. I try not to have an image or theme in mind when I pick up a pencil, paintbrush or charcoal stick to make marks. I just dive in and see what’s down there.

I didn’t plan to revisit the theme of the videos in another medium, but it was apparent later when I looked at the paintings. The things I’ve seen trickle out again, or tumble gently at that space where my subconscious meets the shore of paper or canvas.